I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
another moral hangover. fuck.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
