haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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