Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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