There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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