last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
