I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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