just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
