My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
