I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
