btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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