Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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