I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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