Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
