in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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