I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
