he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
