If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I will be naked everywhere
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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