So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
