After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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