I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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