i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
