he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
