This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
