Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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