do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
