Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
