Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
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