If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
