Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
