chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
