a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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