I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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