this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
