meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
