Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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