My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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