if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
