you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
