you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
