I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
