Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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