I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
