How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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