I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
