Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
