I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
