You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
