I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
