I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
