I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
