I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
